In response to my "moody" post.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Lately I've been realizing that there are a number of people in my life that are extra. I have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances to not be in fucking socialite. This is not to boast about my supposed popularity but instead to say that especially as a highschool senior I have more people involved with me as a "friend" than needed. Recently as I get closer to starting off my life on my own I am stepping back and looking at the people around me noticing that many of them are not worth the fucking time. Like honestly I don't have a best friend but I have some really good ones. There are a LOT of people that I am riding myself of because their insincerity / relevance to my life is disgusting.. That may sound a bit harsh but that is what is on myheart at this point in time. I'm over so them!
xoxo Ronnie <3
xoxo Ronnie <3
Sometimes I freak out thinking of the uncertainties in my future plans. Sometimes I am furious because of the bullshit that I get from people on the regular for being myself. A lot of time I'm over others and I let my super ego hang out. Other times I feel so loved and grateful for the amazing individuals I am lucky enough to call my friends that nothing else matters. & sometimes I feel so fucking beautiful/fierce/flawless/sexy/breathtaking that I must take a moment to sit in it. This usually comes through in a form of an artist medium i.e. video photo etc.. & that to me is where a lot of my best stuff comes from. Even if it doesn't come out perfectly I lovebeing able to look back on a time where I was able to capture that great feeling.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Often times I pride myself on this "fierce" that I poses. Being the thinker that I am I can't help but question how much of that it is rooted in deep insecurities or self question. A big part of what it takes to look really good all the time is to picture yourself in a photo-shoot with the world as your runway/lens and all eyes as the viewer. Strangely enough I find myself starting to believe that I look only the way I see myself in picture I publish online. I literally forget/become unaware of what I look like aside from the picture I choose to represent my image. This came to a head for me recently when using my web cam. I noticed I only liked what I saw when I was making a "cute" face or smiling with my eyes or look at the right angel. It truly is quite sad for me to realize tht I am only comfortable with a narrow selection of my appearance. It's like I project the best of my looks into my head as the whole of my appearance which is so unreal. In order to grow to be totaly comfortable with myself I need to learn when it is okay to not live in front of the camera. As of now I don't feel as if I give myself the Option to not constantly think about being photogenic. In other words I need to not feel ugly if I don't look perfect. It's a difficult issue for me because on one hand I would like to be constantly breath taking but on the other I'd hate to be freakishly self-consc1ious as I often catch myself doing. Who knows.. it's possible that I just need to suck it up and master the art of appearing "forever flawless" or it could be that I just need to calm the fuck down & grow comfortable in my own skin [all of it not just the pretty parts]. So what is a boy to do?
xoxo Ronnell <3