Monday, December 14, 2009

Beauty in Himself

It's not uncommon for people like myself who put more than enough work into their outward appearance to expect some sort of recognition or gratification for such efforts. In fact it kind of comes as part of the package. I believe we pay the price for pretty but I have recently been opened up to new insight that should give me a great "discount".

I have always been one to say that if we base our self-worth on what other people think of us or how they respond to things we do then we must be far too insecure. I'd once been advise that I should only care about the opinions of me from those I hold closest. But now I've taken that idea even a step further.

There is no one closer to me than myself. & I alone know my self worth. So, with that being said, I need to put an end to trying to "shit on the world", or be "best dressed" etc.. because I should have then internal satisfaction of my own beauty. As I've said once before being a diva means to establish your ego based on something substantial. I hold up my character, my mind, my style, and parent-ally given gifts [my pretty] as far more than enough evidence to prove just how wonderful I am independent of your opinion or anyone else's. How that reads to other people is a whole nother issue but that is not the topic at hand.

So I must learn to live as a beauty in and for myself concerned with no one else.

xoxo Ronnie Rayvel <3

Monday, November 16, 2009

Exibit A

In response to my "moody" post.


Process of Elimination

Lately I've been realizing that there are a number of people in my life that are extra. I have a ridiculous amount of acquaintances to not be in fucking socialite. This is not to boast about my supposed popularity but instead to say that especially as a highschool senior I have more people involved with me as a "friend" than needed. Recently as I get closer to starting off my life on my own I am stepping back and looking at the people around me noticing that many of them are not worth the fucking time. Like honestly I don't have a best friend but I have some really good ones. There are a LOT of people that I am riding myself of because their insincerity / relevance to my life is disgusting.. That may sound a bit harsh but that is what is on myheart at this point in time. I'm over so them!

xoxo Ronnie <3


Sometimes I freak out thinking of the uncertainties in my future plans. Sometimes I am furious because of the bullshit that I get from people on the regular for being myself. A lot of time I'm over others and I let my super ego hang out. Other times I feel so loved and grateful for the amazing individuals I am lucky enough to call my friends that nothing else matters. & sometimes I feel so fucking beautiful/fierce/flawless/sexy/breathtaking that I must take a moment to sit in it. This usually comes through in a form of an artist medium i.e. video photo etc.. & that to me is where a lot of my best stuff comes from. Even if it doesn't come out perfectly I lovebeing able to look back on a time where I was able to capture that great feeling.

Christian Siriano

He is my fucking hero. Not only is he one of the hottest designers but he is a beautiful personality to see. Everything about him is so over the top fab/fierce. His young success gives me hope for my career in fashion.. <3

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Photo Optional

Often times I pride myself on this "fierce" that I poses. Being the thinker that I am I can't help but question how much of that it is rooted in deep insecurities or self question. A big part of what it takes to look really good all the time is to picture yourself in a photo-shoot with the world as your runway/lens and all eyes as the viewer. Strangely enough I find myself starting to believe that I look only the way I see myself in picture I publish online. I literally forget/become unaware of what I look like aside from the picture I choose to represent my image. This came to a head for me recently when using my web cam. I noticed I only liked what I saw when I was making a "cute" face or smiling with my eyes or look at the right angel. It truly is quite sad for me to realize tht I am only comfortable with a narrow selection of my appearance. It's like I project the best of my looks into my head as the whole of my appearance which is so unreal. In order to grow to be totaly comfortable with myself I need to learn when it is okay to not live in front of the camera. As of now I don't feel as if I give myself the Option to not constantly think about being photogenic. In other words I need to not feel ugly if I don't look perfect. It's a difficult issue for me because on one hand I would like to be constantly breath taking but on the other I'd hate to be freakishly self-consc1ious as I often catch myself doing. Who knows.. it's possible that I just need to suck it up and master the art of appearing "forever flawless" or it could be that I just need to calm the fuck down & grow comfortable in my own skin [all of it not just the pretty parts]. So what is a boy to do?

xoxo Ronnell <3

Thursday, October 29, 2009

He Got a BIG Ego

"All cockiness aside.. I feel like if I walked into Border's books and saw a young girl sitting on the floor of the social science section in True Religion shorts and a Juicy Couture cardigan next to a Betsey Johnson bag, holding an..eight-hundred page book titled, "Friedrich Nietzsche," I'd have some questions. Why is it that intellect is almost abolutely assumed to be void if an individual appears young and/or attractive? Help me out with the inner-workings of societal assumptions, yeah?"-- Precious Arianna (

This beings me back to an idea I had a while back about women/ fab men & their ego... It's perfectly fine to be a diva as long as you back your shit up! As long as your excess self assurance is rooted in something substantial beyond the surface level of superficiality then it is legit. Balance your beauty your ora with something meaningful and feel free to get as diva as you like. And remember a true diva is someone who is or is working towards being self sufficient, so in the words of Nicki Minaj, stepp our cookies up!


"People are like paper bags, they take the shape of the things that are in them" -- me (Ronnell Evans)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Own It!

It's not always what you have on that can help take you to the next level it's how you wear it. Do not hide behind your cosmetics or your wardrobe because relying on them minimizes your energy, lowers the self-esteem, and makes you a slave to your won personal enhancements. Instead make them slave to you! Rock your shit with an undeniable confidence & surely enough you will be just fine. You can have the best make up and the most stylish outfit but if you don't own it then its all a waste. Modesty is a good trait to have but no when it breeds denial. You don't have to be arrogant to realize that you are the shit. Don't remind people how great you are because if it's there the notice it when you're around. Just don't e too surprised wen you feel confident you look god and you get compliments because it's bound to happen. So, till next time lovelies... work it out, serve it up & own that shit or else.

xoxo Ronnie Rayvel <3

NOT Religious

I no longer hesitate to question the message of the church. I cannot trust the supposed pipeline from the "higher power" to these various institutions of organized religion. Having been made aware of the similarities in faith and how firmly one believes some bullshit that someone told them.

I mean, life would probably be more blissful if I could hold tight to a religion and project al of m inner most thoughts/feelings to Jesus but being who I am makes that nearly impossible. Being a critical thinker makes it hard not to be an intellectually driven person (perhaps those are the same). Being an intellectual makes is difficult to feed into authority without evaluating their validity to your life. Being gay made m stomach turn as I sat in Sunday service and listen o he pastor that I ever so admired say .."we pray against those demons... of addiction..of poverty.. of homosexuality".

I am strangely too indoctrinated into that way of thinking that I cannot completely eliminate the ideas from my head that there is a God to be atheist. So I am very passively agnostic, open to a spiritual philosophy that makes sense, works in a way that isn't so exclusive, and isn't reliant upon my fear of punishment after death.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Center of Force

When I explain the extent to which the luxury of my style, my image, my swagger causes heads to stop stare double take and jerk in my direction it may come across as an aspect of my ego but if you come take a walk with me one day you'll see it is nothing more than a detail of my reality. Being the beauty that I am I put energy in to the preservation, the presentation of my look as well as the constant re evaluation of my fashion choices. It pays of in the best of ways. I feel great about the visuals of my existence which trickles inward through the rest of me and those who feel my fashion rubs them the right way give me recognition for my efforts/accomplishments.

The combination of my bold nature, my in your face fashion, and the new found lack of censorship when it comes to my sexuality ends in a rather wonderful mixture if I may say so myself. Not only because I'm an egotistical ass but because I borrow beautiful, handsome, strong, delicate, expensive, vintage, clearance, and trendy to develop my current style and it is a bit far from the norm. But here is where it gets tricky. This is the part where we you [my viewers] and me [the fashionista til the death] loose all power of choice in this matter.

I by necessity must look glamorous in public settings or else I feel incomplete. As many people do I need to look my best like always. But it is essential to my being. Being that currently the look I go for is daring, is different is in your face it is something to be seen. Like ti or not you will see it & apparently it takes a while to digest. I can't look "normal" at least not now [maybe that'll be my next look --doubt it thought--]. Outsiders friends or strangers have to give that little extra eye to quench the thirst that is there curiosity towards the ins and outs of my apparel.

At first it's weird but then it's definitely something to get used to. As long as I wear it well and you look politely, than all is right in the world.

xoxo Ronnie Rayvel <3

Young Money

If money can't buy happiness then why the fuck do I feel SO good right now? Just wondering...

Monday, September 7, 2009


Calm the Fuck Down

Those experiences that remind me that the ideals I hold close to my heart are far from my reality are often humbling ones. Every now and again I am given that reality check that helps me to focus & forces me to reevaluate my routines. The things I work towards must remain exactly that. Things that I must WORK towards those ideals I wish to make a part of my world.

A lot of time that means for me to do things I don't like to get into what I want, or pausing some passions in order to allow others to thrive. It is definitely hard to do but it is more than worth it. But through it all it all I must stay true to myself in fighting my way to my dreams so I can breathe or else I will die.

It's great for me to break boundaries but there are places that must remain unbroken to ensure my survival. Like the home.. where the heart should be. So since I'm still making my way I unfortunately have to finish it up along the past of other who still controll most of my life.

I'm obviously so over who they want me to be but it looks like they want a little more bad acting on my part. Hahaha, in siturations like this I give the people what they want.

Bunches of Love

Ronnell <3

Gender Benders

..Always Kill it!!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Catch of The Day

It's easy to forget the value of your worm until you launch it out into the water and watch the fish try their hardest to make it their own. Haha Everyone could use a little reminder here or there. & mine feels good.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Monday, August 17, 2009

Progress: A step closer on my independence.

I start work tomorrow. I am beyond excited! It feels really validating to finally be under employment. I am feeling so much more comfortable, especially at this pivotal period in my life. The day that I can go to work and come home with a check large enough to not need any handouts will be like this times twelve.

Although it sucks to be in a position where being your true self will minimize your support system it feels (emotionally or financially) the early leap to self reliance will get me that much closer to being used to making it on my own. It's a step by step process and this is just the beginning. After I get the financials right I get to relocate to surround myself with those who do support me.

And the rest of my life's structure will revolve around my work and my surroundings. Aaahh, I'm just really happy to be me right now. Feels wonderful to be making something of yourself and I think it's all gonna be alright.

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sometimes It's Like..

Are you gay? Then once you're gay, it's like..Are you feminine? then once you're feminine, it's like are you a slut? then once you're a slut, it's like.. Do you have aids? Then once you have aids, it's like.. oh never mind.

That's just a thought I had that went on for a while inmy head so I decided to let it out. But my main point here is to express the layer upon layer of presure that I experience on a daily basis. Even after coming out I still feel an immense amount of social restrictions on me being from both the gay and straight community to be a certain way to fit a certain mold.

Trust me it is confusing, it is a challenge, it is annoying, & it makes it that much more difficult for me to just do what I want at the end of the day without thinking twice. I know that I am usually a strong like willed person etc and like all for being yourself and self expression but honestly I'm 17 & outside opinion/perception still probably has more of an affect on my development than it should.

I know I can't let these social norms go too far into my core because it'll make me miserable but sometimes it's like existing outside of or in between them can become pretty miserable too.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Sunday, August 9, 2009

View. Gag. Vote.

Vogue Evolution

Oh dear, it's not everyday that I bounce in front of my television snapping my fingers and shouting out cheers of encouragement. Today was special. On America's best dance crew the Vogue Evolution group hit close to home for me & now have my full support. Although their image and their energy is larger than life and there fore much larger than mine I dtill feel honored to finally be represented in the mainstream. I mean c'mon two of my favorites gay people and dancers what a wonderful combination.

The entertainment value is undeniable. & the talent is totally there. The vogue style has come from an unseen, unheard of style to being featured on national Music television.
The creativity, plus the comfort-ability in their own skin, in addition to the empowerment is allinspiring.

To be honest the whole show is pretty amazing there is so much talent but I must admit that I am somewhat biased here. It will definitely be interesting for me to see how America responds and just how far they will make it. Again, their achievements thus far alone are monumental. I am happy for them, I am driven to learn to vogue, I am so proud, and I'm excited for what's next to come.

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Making My Way

Everyone has their own coming of age experiences. Around the time in life where adolescence comes to a close and adulthood takes off from the starting line. That ever challenging time where you're out on your own for the first time to make something of yourself, of your life, and of your future. It's where we find out who can meet their full potential. I feel as if I'm being thrown into this part right now but at an accelerated pace.

I feel like if I don't rise to the challenge of life on my own I have way too much to lose. Aside from feeling a lack of support from some of the most important place and an absent finance there is much more at stake here. It's almost like if things don't work out the way I plan or better I can easily be written off as a has-been [before I started], wonna-be, failed etc.

I'm sure a lot of this is an echo of someone else's experience somewhere & that's part of what lets me know it can be done. I have recently come to the conclusion that my circumstances are not as one of a kind as they may feel. There are other people who have been in worse [positions that myself and still archived great success beyond measure.

So here I am at 17 years old giving my all to upgrade myself. I need to get myself in the position of a grown ass man as fast as I can to eliminate that dependency on those who aren't worth my energy. Because I refuse to let go of my dreams, to conform to their comfort level, to live within their view of success I must take steps towards my own path of self-completion...

Using their negativity or disapproval as motivation for me to get that job, drive that car, perfect that technique, pass those classes, and above all just be my best so I can get where I need to. Never will I decide to do things your way or they way or her way so I have to work to make things I want in my life manifest themselves my way. I currently find myself racing from maturity to pure independence. Living for the day I can tell that fuck that I don't need them anymore and go in with my life.

Sometimes, I get really tired of trying to force people to accept me and I just want to delete them. My own success is the best way for that to happen as of now.

“He who defines duty for himself is his own master.” -- Dick Cheatam"

Wish me luck! <3
Ronnell ;~]

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Be secure in your shit!

Took the words out of my life. & he IS a pretty man.

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Sunday, August 2, 2009

I can dig it.

Brandon Webman

This guy's amazing & he can sing.

Bunches of Love<3

Pretty Boy

A term which has always taken on many meanings. In my earlier years of adolescence, around the time when I first heard of it, it seemed to be the only alternative to a lief as a thug/criminal or an athlete. The way I saw it I could either get really good at a sport (like my older brother) or get really tough like most of me older male relatives and lead a similar life to theirs. But then there was the slightly less though, typically better dressed and more appealing "pretty boys".

Shortly after a few years of experiencing the seriousness, the roughness, and the dedication involved in sports team or individual I realized the sports guy thing was not for me. So I took all that energy and put it towards my look. By the end of the eighth grade I was a full blown "pretty boy". The style always came first. That was around the time I came up the the idea that "It shouldn't mater if you're late as long as you look good when you get there."

Upon entering high school fashion trends and the importance of image and the seriousness, the dedication focused around looking good consistently helped me to realize how much I loved it. Getting dressed, piecing together outfits, hygiene, and shopping were among my favorite things to do. This was also around the time that I discovered my Love for dance. At this point for me being the pretty boy meant being able to indulge in my own character through the art of style/fashion, without having to undergo the repercussions of being a homosexual (although there should be none).

Luckily by my junior year with a great support system and liberal education I grew into self acceptance and grew out of that damn closet. I am now open about who I am & still probably one of the prettiest boys you'll meet ;~] But now that energy around how "pretty" of a boy I am has transferred over directly into how feminine or how masculine of a gay I am. & I see the cycle starting itself all over again but this time I don't really like it.

There is a stigma attached to being an overtly flamboyant gay. It's assumed that if you're that way then you want to be a woman, etc. I understand that there are individuals who are transsexual and other things of that nature and that's great but the dichotomy of the butch/fem standard that many homosexuals are held to is very restricting.

The way I see it with regards to myself is that it's important to be a balanced person meaning the best of both worlds.I work obtaining only the smooth charming elements of masculinity and only the elegant glamorous elements of femininity. So for me now the term "pretty boy" has taken on yet another new meaning. The pretty representing the aesthetic value of me look beyond gender roles. The boy stands for the pride and full ownership I hold towards for my gender.

Be yourself, if that means being a pretty boy ugly girl or something in between, then so be it if that's what floats your boat just be prepared to deal with what will come your way as a result.

Bunches of Love <3

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Swagger Meets the Standard

The Swag/Glamor [below]

Here's something that I'm currently struggling with. It's an age old problem that everyone experiences to varying degrees. For me the conflict between the beauty the glamor the way I carry myself and my goals my greater purpose and my inspiration is ongoing. Often times I can get so caught up in the way I present myself, and the luxuries I enjoy that I forget about or lose site of what I want for myself outside of superficiality.

Whether it be the choices I make with my financials, the partners I pursue,or the priorities I lay out in general I keep getting lost in my image and forgetting about my purpose. As an artist and a visual person I greatly appreciate all thing beautiful. Just by going through my other blog entries thats evident. I take the inspiration from what's around me and put it directly into my world. That amazes me almost enough to live off of. Too much of my energy my fuel is based solely on these outer imagery things and not enough on the more substantial things.

Don't get me wrong, I am always driven by a greater purpose like on the whole. However, in my everyday decision making I tend to let the swagger of Ronnie [the artist, the diva, the dancer, designer etc..] have too much power over the standards of Ronnell [the humanitirian, the activist, the role model]. Ususally these two sides can come across very fluid especially in my thinking. Like as long as it's coming from me I have a habbit to assume that it's coming from the right place. But in those instances where I've made the wrong choice or I'm stuck in an unmade decision I'm reminded of the necissity to priorities my thinking.

My swagger is an essential part of my existence as is everyone else's. But it is only one sector of the standard I hold myself to. I can lay out a countless number of situations where I've done things through my swagger and realized that strayed my life from my standard. So,take it from me, next time you make a choice think if it's coming from a place invested in how it'll make you look or a much deeper place of how it will impact your life's course.

The Standard/Purpose[below]

“The most important human endeavor is the striving for morality in our actions. Our inner balance and even our very existence depend on it. Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life.” -- Albert Einstein

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Sexuality vs. Personality

I like dancing. I like fashion. I don't like sports. I don't like every guy I see. I don't wear pink or purple. I love shopping. I don't do violence. I don't love musicals. I like layers. I like britney spears. I like paris hilton. I've never listened to cher. I like eating. I like cooking. I am not a slut. I'm not a cat person. I'm a social activist. I like super deep v-necks. I don't smoke or drink. I don't like playing foot ball. I like cheerleaders.

But this isn't because I'm gay, it's because I'm Ronnell. Homosexuals are people just like everyone else who have character traits unique to their own being.

Bunches of Love
Ronnie ;~]

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Take that burning inspiration to move and put it into the rhythm of the music. To me dancing is like a breath of fresh air. In the moment of the movement I have so much clarity. It feels, so good to me. The endless artistic elements of it all are enough to keep me going. &
I mean everything about it.

The authenticity of honest movement of a dancer, the musicality of choreography the flexibility of a beat in a song, the possibilities that arise when a dancer hears the music. I love every bit of it. From the fun and creativity in the self-expression of freestyle to the talent and technique in the execution of trained dance styles.

It's all so truly beautiful to see. The best part about it , to me as a dancer, is what lies beneath the surface. Behind all the impressive gestures and moves; the ever inspiring motivation and the drive in a dancer. The energy from within is what shines so brightly.

It's a passion.In my dancing, regardless if it's at a party or on a stage, I pull that energy from the passion at the core of my being. It's the combination of the beauty I've come across in my life, the way the music makes me feel, and the seriousness/respect I hold for the art that translate to a style of dance unique to my experience.

When I dance I am alive. There is no second guessing for me just going. Whenever I see a well trained dancer I jump inside. Intricate choreography blows my mind. Any time im performing on stage or rehearsing I feel like my life is going in the right direction. It all just takes me away.

What I feel for dance is beyond mt ability to articulate.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Gaga

This lady is a true artist. I like her much more now than I did when I was initially introduced to her via radio air waves. It wasn't long after I was exposed to her personality and her musical abilities that I fell head over heals in love with her.

Her singing and speaking voices are to die for! Plus she serves as a great example of how you can use your style in fashion to create your own image. [see "dress" below] I think it's safe to say that she isn't to heavily influenced by others around her in her day-to-day.

She is absolutely adorable! & she inspires me.

Bunches of Love<3

Monday, July 20, 2009


Put together an outfit that makes a statement about who you are, what you have to "offer", and what you're looking for. Gather an image that embodies your lifestyle (or the one you want for yourself) and execute it. Take advantage of the financial and fashionable resources available to you and use them to gather your pieces. The pieces of this collection should be modified to match your physical stature. Remember, not all clothes were made to be worn by just anyone. So, if you find something that fits just right by right I mean flattering to your figure) hold to it. The flexibility of fashion is a beautiful thing that if used most effectively can shine light on your life, your look, and your self-esteem.

Establishing a style is one of my favorite parts of fashion. Styles come from visual inspirations such as favorite colors/textures, well dressed role models, the trends of a particular genre or way of life etc. Take that style and find create you place in it. Develop a vision for the look you'd like to achieve. When you shop purchase items according to how close they fall into your ideal. Give it you all. Stick with your style and don't be afraid to take risks as long as it's in line with what you're going for.

The style you choose will come at a different prices depending on what style you want and where as well as how you shop. Finances can be manipulated, however, so that the look (regardless how costly it is it can still be achieved). Shopping by the style and the quality as opposed to strictly the brand or the store can help in this among other things. But if you can afford to just go for it with out thinking about saving then go right ahead.

Once you have a couple weeks worth of outfits in your collection you will have a wardrobe. Make the most of this. Mix and match or mix and don't match (if that's your thing). Everyday dress yourself according to the ideal you hold yourself to. As long as you like it, you're consistent, and you feel good about it you'll probably carry it all confidently and look fabulous.

Remember confidence is key and it's essential to hold integrity in your fashion. If your style is too heavily influenced by by outsiders it's probably not true to you and it won't come across authentically. Fashion/style/dressing is an art, a process and yet another avenue of self-creation. Explore it and have fun in your image.

Here's a taste of my ideal.

Ugh... it amazes me & I can spot it in an instant. Geez, I aodre fashion!

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Thursday, July 16, 2009


"a divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul" -- dictionary dot com

Being the backbone to my function, the fuel my life runs on, the something that keeps me going; I am inspired to live. To go beyond the day to day activity. To fulfill my daily duties with a bigger purpose. Living, working, learning, with the ultimate goal to be happy to be one with my self, to be stable, to BE me about all. The influences that cross my path drive me to give my life meaning to use my experiences to their maximum capacity for my own growth. Inspiration leads me to capitalize on life past the currency.

Seeing that it is a reason to look for the undiscovered possibilities, I am inspired to love. To love deeper than the romanticized version of the definition. I am motivated to plant the seeds in all people things and situation that I hold close to my heart. I strive to share a love that does not end in the bedroom or with a wedding ring. A love rooted in the depths of progress. Getting from point A to point B and then after C looking back from point D realizing how far we've come.

In my life with this love I take this inspiration & make art. I am inspired to create. I take the passion I use in my heart and my mind through my body in the movement of my dance. I use the intensity of my journey towards greater progress to navigate my way through academia and the world around me to further my education. My everlasting need to know impulse causes me to question and seek answers. I channel this drive this motivation the inspiration into creativity through my fashion through style. My favorite art forms are my outlets for this beautiful thing that drives my function; that runs my life; that keeps me going.

I am inspired by the capacity of the human mind. I am inspired by accomplished individuals. I am inspired by people like me in and way that are at peace with themselves and live a life based on progress beyond and corruption or their pocket book. To me it's always important to live with purpose, to learn from our experiences as well as those who have valuable lessons to share, and to love in such a way that helps to move forward.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -- John Adams

Take that you felt initially in that moment of inspiration, use it in a way that is purposeful & who knows you may just be the next greatest influence on a life of excellence. It's an ongoing cycle that colors our world.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Honestly, Idgaf anymore...

Your approval is not needed here. My self worth is more valuable. How you feel about who I am at this point is a waste of my thoughts and feelings. I could care less how I make you feel because obviously the last thing on your mind right now is what I'm feeling. So I'm done, so over it, so over you & ready to move on with my life. & yes accepting me for Ronnell Evans in all my beauty my flaws my homosexuality my femininity my confidence and everything that makes me the strong as person I live in front of you as today is an upgrade. I refuse to adjust myself back to your standard of living. That's not cute that not cool that's not me so, fuck that! Mother or not.

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Monday, July 13, 2009

Meet Jonte'

I always say.. gay guys do it better. I think here we have a prime example. He is the magic behind Beyonce's latest (dance) work. No way does he get half the credit he deserves. He's responsible for the single ladies routine that everyone drooled over.

He is beyond fierce. It's on a whole other level.

"If I was a boy I would probably still like boys." -- Ms Sasha herself

I love that. Who else do you know that can dance like he does in stilettos? Let them have it!

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Muffled Music

With the current rate of rapid music production and the constant evolution of the music industry itself the idea of a song getting old is all too familiar. But today as a song that is totally "played out" to me came on my iPod I stopped to think about it. I just had to ask myself. Why don't I like this song anymore? I used to love it. How come it sounds so much different from before? I used to know every beat every note by heart. Why am I so like annoyed that it's even playing right now? It used to get me so pumped. Why do I have to force myself to listen to it right now? I used to break my neck just to hear it or turn it up when ever it was on. It's almost as if once I learn a song and hear it so man times it looses its sound and I no longer hear it so I have to fill the silence with something new.

I love music, it's a major part of my life (like many people), and it's something I'm passionate about. However, There are a number of circumstances where I can't even hear it let alone appreciate it. & trust my hearing is fine. For instance, there are times where I listen to the same song repeatedly to prepare for a performance. Usually I like the song at least a little if I've agreed to dance to it in front of people. But by the time I actually hit the stage as I get down into the choreography the music goes mute. All I actually hear is the first two counts of the beat.. & from that point on I'm going 100% off my rehearsal and my memorization of the rhythm and I'm just adding performance to it. I can feel my self moving and see the crowd reacting but I can't hear the music.

At one point I was very specific about the type of music I was willing to listen to. Thus every genre outside my chosen few were beyond my comprehension of sound. It was almost as if I couldn't hear them either. It wasn't until I made an active decision to venture outside my musical comfort zone that I could actually "hear" different genres of music. Even now that I have expanded my range of what I like in regard to what I listen to I still work on a limited amount of sound waves. If there's some music I don't really know of it's hard for me to hear it. If there's an artist I don't particularly like they too are like automatically muted.

It's strange to me really how my mind and my ears collaborate in my experience with music. With my personal collection of songs even the way I discriminate against the songs that have been on my iPod longer is insane. The tracks that are the newest are the ones I will play the most and by the time there's new music those have become old to me & no longer as interesting. It's as if I'm killing music for myself. I guess I need to go back to the days where a new song wasn't at the tip of my fingers.

I don't want to live the rest of my existence limiting myself to the most recent sound to catch my ear. I think it's take practice but need to put forth more effort into appreciating all music because it's going to be a very important part of my life and truely one fo the most beautiful art forms.

"Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Monday, July 6, 2009

Lost In The Life

Forgetting who we are in remembering where we want to be.. The constant adjustment of character made in order to adapt to various surroundings can hinder our integrity while keeping us a live. My life or my liberty? I work so hard towards maintaining both in their purest form that I become ever so conscious of whenever they're being challenged.

Perhaps most importantly is the balance between the two. I cannot allow myself to get so caught up in my own world that I'm oblivious to the reality that surrounds me nor can I let the life that I lead get in the way of what I stand for. Even know this I still catch myself falling short of the goal; to go through my day to day as my ideal self taking a stand for every issue that resides close to me heart.

It's easy to be pressured into letting go of what I hold to be true when I don't have numbers to back me up come time for conflict. It's so much easier just forget it all and mold yourself to fit the role set out for you. I have to "live in love". The love that is promoting my growth. The love that only happens when stay true to me. I cannot lose myself in this life of mine or else I may as well die.

"Character is easier kept than recovered." -- Thomar Paine

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Reason to My Being

I remember growing up as a little boy in elementary school. The school, the teachers, the students, the lessons, the field trips..everything seemed to serve as a sort of escape from my reality. I had certain friends who would help me to get away to this sort of other realm as well & it was something I enjoyed although not many understood what it was for me. It gave me a high that I crave endlessly til this day. The "world" was like a mix of my imagination, my dreams, my passions, my support system, and the ever lingering idea that the world was my oyster.

Many people tell children that they can be what ever they want when they grow up. But for me this took on a whole new meaning and opened up a whole new spectrum of possibility. The was I see it if I can be what ever I want when I grow up then I can be what ever I want now. Although at a younger age my goals we a lot less concrete I at least knew that I where I wanted to be was in that world. I wanted to stay in the place where I could do anything; the place where my dreams are attainable; the place where I created my own being; the place where there was always something new to be learned; the place where I could better myself. Once I understood that I wanted to stay in that place I began making efforts towards establishing that setting for the rest of my life.

It can be traced to damn near everything I do. From the people who I am closest with to the schools I go to, to the hobbies I take part in & even the way I dress. I dance from a strong feeling inside that I can let out in big bursts of energy and performance. I choose clothing that fit the person I see myself as in my future. I carry myself in such a way that reflects the persona I wish to put out. I'm sure many of people do the same thing but I know for a fact that my inspiration to do these things comes directly out of that magical feeling I would get as a child.

It was the butterflies that ran through me when ever I could imagine myself as a cop, or an actor or a teacher even. That excitement that I felt as a child not yet feeling bound by my race, by my sexual orientation, my class, my family's educational background etc. In younger years I lived in a blissful world of honest happiness. Before the pollution of the social reality fell in my lap I really felt like I could do what ever I wanted to do.

Through learning, research, school, interacting with special people I have been able to get myself back to that place. But the difference now is that the magic isn't in the ignorance but rather in the awareness and the push past adversity to my goals. I moved from blindly seeking the high, to feeling like it was out of my reach, to actively making my way towards satisfying my cravings. I'm happy to have had the oppritinities to do so.

I feel as though I was privileged enough in various aspects of my life to help me reach this point. The schools I went to, the people I came across,the friends I made, the things I've seen/learned were all there & are all still here but not everyone gets to experience them the same way that I did to get me where I am now.

“All inherited possibilities and all influences of the body, all environmental influences, including educational application, are perceived, assimilated, digested, and answered by a living and striving being, striving for a successful achievement..." -- Alfred Adler

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Monday, June 29, 2009

Hard Headed

"Ronnell, you are hard headed. You don't like to listen to nobody. So when ever somebody tries to tell you what to do you don't like them. You're lazy & you don't like people who tell you to do stuff..."

So today my younger cousin stopped our conversation to tell me something about myself.

This was a really big eye opener for me. I had already come to terms with the issues I have with authority figures but never before so explicitly. A lot of what she said is true. It was just a shock to hear to from someone else let alone a younger person. I pride myself on being in touch with my ideas and emotions but it's always intriguing when someone close to me can interpret my thought process so accurately.

It may seem pretty funny, I laughed when she mentioned it to me, but it speaks to a truth in my being. I have a hard time working under the "rule" of other people unless they earn my respect first. Not all my family members have done that, but a whole lot of them try to take on that dominating authoritative role. It's all a part of my struggle but it makes me who I am so I work with it.

She knows me just as well as I know myself. Love this girl.

Ronnell ;~]

Best I Ever Had

It's madly unfortunate when I find out that I let it go. It wasn't until after I dropped things completely and ventured else where that I realized what I had. Guess you can call it an "I told you so" moment, but of course you'd never do that, you're far too understanding. I didn't want to stop and stay I wanted to go and be with some one else, some one better, someone new. To see how much I could get.

Turns out it doesn't get too much better unless I sacrifice. Get by a little of this in exchange for a little more that. But is it this or that which rally matters the most? Once again I need to get my shit together and priorities my thinking especially in regard to my relationships with people. I need to value what matters matters most in a person and be appreciative of what ever else is there.

Because now I miss you. Now, I want you. At this point I feel mighty foolish & a little too late to make things right. But it's fine because as you were for me I'll still be here for you. Besides, don't i at least owe you that much? After all, you were the best, thus far. At least the best I ever had.

Bunches of love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Masked Beauty

I thought this part was over. After all sixteen years I spent tripping, stumbling, & falling all over the place I finally picked myself up and left that mask behind. Never had I felt so joyous so thrilled so relieved as the day I escaped from the cage of a closet. It was the largest load off my back. I was done hiding. No more effort towards being who the told me to be. No more fake ass gestures. Done with all the wonna be macho BS. Finished being fake to be accepting; now ready to be real to be happy.

Yet, that is not the end. Or at least not for long. No happy endings for those who "break the rules". Although I was so ecstatic to be liberated that same can't be said for everyone else. So what's my natural response to that? Fuck ‘em. Fight it. Stand up for what I believe in. Be me until the day I die because if I don't that I may as well die now. "A life not worth fighting for is a life not worth living." But that is much easier said then done. & much easier done around the people who matter least.

Those individuals I've been around for the shortest amount of time were the best at adjusting to the "new me"/ the actual me. I love them for that & they love me for me. Most of them are my friends. Most of them are my younger relatives. Most of them are not in great positions of power in my life. But then there are the older relatives, there are the my parents, there's religious people there are fucking clans of people on the other side of that fence.

I was raised by or around many of these people. The put that fear in me that self-hatred in me that denial in me that made it so I would be caged for 16 years [if it went according to their plan it'd be much longer]. That didn't change when I "changed". When I stopped pretending that I wasn't gay they continued to not accept homosexuals. They continued and still do to this day promote homophobic ideals. I know this, I see this, & they don't hesitate to remind me.

This is where the mask comes in. This is where I become not so strong. This is when my vulnerability is at it's highest. This is my anxiety. I AM BEAUTIFUL & I know this. Everything about me makes me who i am and I love every bit of myself. I love me & I let go of things that hinder my growth to really allow me to be my best self. Even aesthetically I let go of all those things set up for me to be my best looking self. But this knowledge of my beauty, this self-confidence, this empowerment fades at times where these people cross my path.

It all goes back to that fear of my adolescence. The fear of the little boy who afraid to stand the wrong way or walk to "girly". The boy who was forced to mask his true opinions of all males and exaggerate his superficial attraction to the image of females. IT still sits with me to this day. I feel it as i write this. This shit burns away at my being.

This constant fear and the way I go back to being this scared little boy in those moments contradicts the beauty of who I am & everything that I stand for. This is a constant struggle for me that I hope to overcome with time. But as of now when I feel threatened or when a person reminds me of my upbringing I tend to shut down & mask my beauty.

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Be careful how you treat people it may dim their inner light.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fuck Your Life: I don't need you.

Forget living with constant fears and self restrictions. False characteristics are not my specialty. I could do without this persona you insist i take on. I definitely don't need your fashion advice. I don't need your bible. Spare me your oh so wise sermons. Leave me out of your stories.

I don't want to be the one you constantly frown on because you disapprove. I refuse to be the one you continually damage with your tyrannical ways. I'd prefer not to play into being that boy you always wanted so that you can have something to brag to your no-life friends about. I am not your puppet. You do not get to decide for me what I do with my life.

I am not going to use the opportunities I have wasting my potential on filling the gaps in the life you wanted for yourself. That is not the life that I want for me. Fuck you for not accepting me, fuck you for not appreciating me, fuck you for trying to minimize my self-expression, fuck you for trying to make me life your life. Fuck your life!

I don't need you. I don't need another ignorant, lost, rude, inconsiderate, self-centered, excuse for a loved one who refuses to look inside before jumping out to others to cast a dark shadow of judgment. I could use an accepting, honest, supportive, respectful anyone who will love me for me. But it seems as if you are stuck in a place where you can never move into being that for me nor can you re-arrange the course of your living enough to help me reach my destination.

So fuck you and your life because I don't need it interrupting mine.

Work on you, leave me alone.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Benefits of Being Human

Many times people function based on a dichotomous thought process where everything is good or bad, black or white, old or new, etc. This is understandable because it can make things much simpler. It's a lot easier to measure things according to two extremes as opposed to always considering a realm of possibility. However it is important to note the affects of such a mentality. It can be down right detrimental to the very core of our being as individuals and stifle our growth.

The hazards of this dichotomous way of thinking as applied to the human being can spread to various areas of the day-to-day experience. The one that is most evident is the capacity for fabulous-ness. As people we've been conditioned in our society to think of everyone as male or female and prescribe very specific styles of dress to each gender. I agree that to a certain extent it is necessary to adjust sizing and practical things of that nature according to the differing body types. However, I think the restrictions put onto men and women with regards to the way they're "supposed" to look is quite oppressive.

Not only does it put limits on the range of self expression through the art of self decoration but it also tends to force people to under perform in the style department. Men especially. The rules around being seen as masculine are to rigid that it can lead to a male feeling obligated to slack on their aesthetics. The pressures to be perceived as feminine can ruin a woman. It gets very complex, but that's as far as I wish to take that. If we allows the ourselves to be a human careless of the gender role we can reach our full potential to be out most fabulous selves. That's just one of the many benefits of being human.

I have recently come across someone who I believe to be a fine example of a glamor that transcends gender.

Edwen Vargas

He inspires me! Try unlimiting yourself in order to reach your full potential.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Monday, June 22, 2009

That Is So Inappropriate

When we speak it is important to use the words that deliver the correct meaning. By correct I mean like as according to the dictionary. The occasional slang is fine until it becomes a form of bigotry. It saddens me that this topic is one that I have to even address but unfortunately moments ago it was just thrown in my face. As of now I'm trying to make a very direct statement in order to not stop loving a certain person because i owe it to myself to try & help their growth as opposed to shut them out & wash my hands with it.

Okay enough with the abstract.. Please don't ever call anything "gay" unless it is actually capable of being homosexual.

The English language is not to be used to promote hatred. Say what you mean.

Remember Bell Hook's Definition of Love <3

"The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love, we begin to move toward freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others."

Ronnell :~|

Say What You Need to Say

“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” -- Anthony Robbins

In order for there to be successful dialogue there must first be the common goal of communication. Dictionary dot com says that to communicate means to make known. So, when two or more individuals get together and start a conversation the idea is to deliver messages to one another usually through verbal communication. As simple as this whole idea may seem it can actually be quite the challenge in times where communication is of the essence.

Think about it. Where do these messages we try to share in dialogue come from? They come from are thoughts. And our thoughts don't come alone, then come with an entourage of feelings. Many times a thought and emotion are closely related. Because there is no one without the other it is important to include both in the process of communicating. However, it's is crucial that the distinction between the two is made. In other words it's important to express how we feel and what we're thinking when we're talking to another person but they need their own separate arenas.

Even if all the distinction amounts to is a label that works. It can be as plain as "I'm feeling like this because..." but/because/and/[what ever relationship the idea and the emotion have] "I think ..." or vice versa. Following that model or one similar to it makes it much easier to communicate whatever messages one may be holding and waiting to pass on to the next person. Be sure not to make these statements too overloaded because that can stray away from your main point.

When in doubt water it down. Simplicity is very powerful in times. Speaking directly from what you feel and directly from what you think will always get your message across successfully and clearly as long as the two are separate. If your feelings get too mixed into your thoughts then you will speak irrationally. If your thoughts get too caught up in your feelings then it will taint the authenticity of what you're feeling. So just go, but remember to star conscious of whether you're talking about how you feel or what you think.

Of course, the relationship on which the communication is taking place will alter the priority. For instance, in a friendship or an intimate relationship the emotion awarded much more importance than the thoughts. In less personal situations thoughts tend to be more exploited while feelings take a back seat. All in all the whole situation is a process that takes working at. IT takes internal work with self and external work with other people.

The most self work lies in distinguishing the thoughts and feeling while analyzing the relationship between the two according to your inner being. The work with others comes in the from of expressing those thoughts and feelings in such a way that is clear, sincere and progressive. Giving pure emotion can shut down all communication. Dishing out pure thought neglects the feelings of both parties. So share both but share them in a way that is most affective. Because if we don't then why even try. What talk to one another if it's not going to go anywhere.

Allow yourself to think and to feel before you speak. Then, let it all out. Remember you can't have one without the other. Hey, look at my blog. It is the quintessential extracts of my thoughts and my feelings. Think about it Lovelies! Good communication can make the world a better place.

Bunches of Love<3
Ronnell ;~]


Blake McGrath

Sunday, June 21, 2009


As long as I live I will never give up on social justice issues. I do not have the luxury to not fight against racism, to not fight against homophobia, to not fight against sexism. The moment I stop going against these evils..the moment I give up hope.. the moment I just "stop thinking so much" and go with the flow will be the day I may as well just drop dead. I love myself way to much to ever do anything like that.

I believe that love is growth. Not only would me giving up on what I know is right hinder my capacity for growth but it would also force me to take steps backwards. Not standing up in the face of injustice is against my character & I am very big on integrity. I refuse to let anyone's hopelessness spillover onto me regardless who they are. idgaf

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -- Martin Luther King Jr.

Like him ^ I will fight for what's right until the day that it changes.

Encouraging you to work with me, <3

Ronnell ;~]


The capacity for difference in the world is mind-blowing. It's a beautiful thing. Within every group of sameness there is there's a wide range of variety. This concept in itself gives me hope for my love, for my life, and for my future. Under one god is various religions and interpretations of virtue. Hanging from one family tree are numerous branches of personality. Throughout a single gay community exists a countless number of different characters and adventures to be had. Inside the one person that I am lies a full range of emotions and ideas that have the freedom to adjust to my current circumstances. & the list goes on.. My reflection of these options warms my heart. The endless number of possibilities in this world makes me so optimistic.

Keep Hope Alive<3
Ronnell ;~]

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Let Them Have It

The whole concept of Beyonce transforming to Sasha Fierce once she hits the stage is a lot less foreign to me now. I’m starting to realize how I too have a similar experience when put in a position where I'm expected to perform. It seems like whenever I'm on stage or just in front of an audience an outside force takes over and I just go. It's a bit of out-of-body experience for me, really.

Every nerve I may have felt before hand or any stress I may have been holding on to morph into energy for in that moment when I'm on the spot & my inner artist takes over. Regardless if I’m dancing, giving a speech, doing a photo shoot, or singing karaoke I get out there & let them have it!

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Well baby I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl..." -- Britney Spears

My mom says I'm an actor. She calls it acting, what happens once I'm on a stage. But I like to think of it as just me serving it up. There’s a crazy talented being that’s been “closeted” performer within me for so long that every time the opportunity presents itself all that confined stage presence is released. It's not so much the craving for the attention as it is the adrenaline that comes in putting on a show. Trust me, I choose to live my life drug free but, that rush gives me a high I can't live without.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Thursday, June 18, 2009


To me fierce is a wild combination of aesthetic beauty, attitude, talent and swagger. It can often be found in the eyes of a model or the movement of a well trained dancer.

Enjoy <3

Ronnell ;~]

Blinded Bigot: Open You Mind to Love

How am I to address you? What would really be the best way for me to deal with the complications of your mentality that manifest themselves in my existence as discrimination? You disturb me! Your narrow-minded ways limit a world of possibilities for everyone else including yourself but you can't even see that. I'm afraid you're to busy making sure everything works according to what you consider to be normal to stop & reevaluate your own thinking before you pass judgment on the world. The whole thing is just purely disgusting, like honestly. It actually frightens me to think about.

The scariest part is that you are everywhere. Even in me! There are instances where everyone falls into narrow-minded thinking. It often goes unnoticed because it happens so often that it's normal to all of us. That really scares the shit out of me. I am so scares that I'm paranoid. I'm so paranoid that I have to constantly check myself on my thoughts & where the base of my judgment comes from. I have to check the people around me to keep them from functioning on a narrow mind wave. I have to be open to allowing those same people the check my when necessary. That's part of why I love myself so much.

"The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love, we begin to move toward freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others." -- Bell Hooks

I make a conscious choice to leave myself open to new alternatives to life's obstacles. I'm always waiting with an open ear to hear what the next person has to say because they just might know something that I don't or they may have an idea that I haven't thought of & that's okay. We don't all have to be the same. I embrace diversity because without it things become repetitive & bland. Although I hold this to be my truth right now it took me a while to get it. Not all people end up "getting it" as some point in their growing process.

In fact, there are many people who have truly become bigots by nature. [It hurts me to think of how many of my relatives fall under this category] Those individuals are not very likely to be moved out of their way of thinking. It is there people who have a hard time really choosing to love themselves or anyone else for who they are. This whole cycle really shakes me to my core. It shows me the the importance of fighting for what's right, for what's equal, for all the love in the world. If not to go about person to person literally changing people's minds at least to be one less. One less racist, one less sexist, one less class-est, one less anti-Semite ect. If I can find people in my time to working along this same justice oriented model of thinking then I have a movement. The more people the stronger the force. The stronger the force the faster we move the world towards universal love.

I seriously believe the cure for close-mindedness is Love [as defined by Bell Hooks]

Bunches of Love<3


Released: Out From this Cage of a Closet

I spent several years working under this system. This system of oppression, this system of forced choices, this system of strict gender roles with little to no wiggle room for personalization. I couldn’t do anything about it because if I fought back against it I couldn’t be a man anymore. That went on continuously for over sixteen years of my life. It was not until a bit earlier on this year that I gave up on putting so much effort to blending with the crowd. It wasn’t until now that I started to all myself to define, for me, what it means to be a full human. I gave up on it all. I gave up the image, the language, the behavior, the women and the falseness of my being. I acme out of the closet and it felt like such a load off. I could finally breathe and not worry about how my body was positioned when I exhaled. Now, I could put on what I really want to wear because I want to not because I’m “supposed to“. I let if go I gave it up I released myself from my gender role to embrace my sexual orientation. Now I am free to be me and outside approval is irrelevant.

Life's much less complex; since that's over. I'm not the best actor so I'm glad I was able to drop that role. haha

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Let It Go

"Apothegms are portable wisdom, the quintessential extracts of thought and feelings." -- William R. Alger

Many times I find myself getting lost in the transferring the way I'm feeling and what I'm thinking to action. Although I pride myself on being aware of my own thoughts and feelings I tend to get so caught up in them that reality is almost foreign to me. Even in writing this very first entry I'm having trouble phrasing each statement in such a way that it reflects exactly the concept I want to portray. Fortunately I can play around long enough in my head with the words to get it right. However, there are many other situations where it is not that simple.

I can't through people around in my head until I figure them out. I struggle with "refreshing" my feelings towards people because of that. In other words, I have a bad habit of holding grudges. I hold on to a lot of things and they weigh down on my judgment & my character. In an attempt to Release some of these issues I talk them over with close friends, ask people for advice, or I'll vent to the person I'm having issue with but that doesn't always work out the way I want it to. Those conversations can get tedious. & this is where my blog comes in!

As a man, a person, an artist I am all about self-expression. Expression through creativity & talent is a beautiful thing. So, here I am to learn to live and let go to priorities my thoughts and feelings to sort through my web of ideas to verbalize my struggle and feel more comfortable in my own reality. Wish me luck.

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]