Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Often times I pride myself on this "fierce" that I poses. Being the thinker that I am I can't help but question how much of that it is rooted in deep insecurities or self question. A big part of what it takes to look really good all the time is to picture yourself in a photo-shoot with the world as your runway/lens and all eyes as the viewer. Strangely enough I find myself starting to believe that I look only the way I see myself in picture I publish online. I literally forget/become unaware of what I look like aside from the picture I choose to represent my image. This came to a head for me recently when using my web cam. I noticed I only liked what I saw when I was making a "cute" face or smiling with my eyes or look at the right angel. It truly is quite sad for me to realize tht I am only comfortable with a narrow selection of my appearance. It's like I project the best of my looks into my head as the whole of my appearance which is so unreal. In order to grow to be totaly comfortable with myself I need to learn when it is okay to not live in front of the camera. As of now I don't feel as if I give myself the Option to not constantly think about being photogenic. In other words I need to not feel ugly if I don't look perfect. It's a difficult issue for me because on one hand I would like to be constantly breath taking but on the other I'd hate to be freakishly self-consc1ious as I often catch myself doing. Who knows.. it's possible that I just need to suck it up and master the art of appearing "forever flawless" or it could be that I just need to calm the fuck down & grow comfortable in my own skin [all of it not just the pretty parts]. So what is a boy to do?
xoxo Ronnell <3