Thursday, July 2, 2009

Reason to My Being

I remember growing up as a little boy in elementary school. The school, the teachers, the students, the lessons, the field trips..everything seemed to serve as a sort of escape from my reality. I had certain friends who would help me to get away to this sort of other realm as well & it was something I enjoyed although not many understood what it was for me. It gave me a high that I crave endlessly til this day. The "world" was like a mix of my imagination, my dreams, my passions, my support system, and the ever lingering idea that the world was my oyster.

Many people tell children that they can be what ever they want when they grow up. But for me this took on a whole new meaning and opened up a whole new spectrum of possibility. The was I see it if I can be what ever I want when I grow up then I can be what ever I want now. Although at a younger age my goals we a lot less concrete I at least knew that I where I wanted to be was in that world. I wanted to stay in the place where I could do anything; the place where my dreams are attainable; the place where I created my own being; the place where there was always something new to be learned; the place where I could better myself. Once I understood that I wanted to stay in that place I began making efforts towards establishing that setting for the rest of my life.

It can be traced to damn near everything I do. From the people who I am closest with to the schools I go to, to the hobbies I take part in & even the way I dress. I dance from a strong feeling inside that I can let out in big bursts of energy and performance. I choose clothing that fit the person I see myself as in my future. I carry myself in such a way that reflects the persona I wish to put out. I'm sure many of people do the same thing but I know for a fact that my inspiration to do these things comes directly out of that magical feeling I would get as a child.

It was the butterflies that ran through me when ever I could imagine myself as a cop, or an actor or a teacher even. That excitement that I felt as a child not yet feeling bound by my race, by my sexual orientation, my class, my family's educational background etc. In younger years I lived in a blissful world of honest happiness. Before the pollution of the social reality fell in my lap I really felt like I could do what ever I wanted to do.

Through learning, research, school, interacting with special people I have been able to get myself back to that place. But the difference now is that the magic isn't in the ignorance but rather in the awareness and the push past adversity to my goals. I moved from blindly seeking the high, to feeling like it was out of my reach, to actively making my way towards satisfying my cravings. I'm happy to have had the oppritinities to do so.

I feel as though I was privileged enough in various aspects of my life to help me reach this point. The schools I went to, the people I came across,the friends I made, the things I've seen/learned were all there & are all still here but not everyone gets to experience them the same way that I did to get me where I am now.

“All inherited possibilities and all influences of the body, all environmental influences, including educational application, are perceived, assimilated, digested, and answered by a living and striving being, striving for a successful achievement..." -- Alfred Adler

Bunches of Love <3
Ronnell ;~]

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