I no longer hesitate to question the message of the church. I cannot trust the supposed pipeline from the "higher power" to these various institutions of organized religion. Having been made aware of the similarities in faith and how firmly one believes some bullshit that someone told them.
I mean, life would probably be more blissful if I could hold tight to a religion and project al of m inner most thoughts/feelings to Jesus but being who I am makes that nearly impossible. Being a critical thinker makes it hard not to be an intellectually driven person (perhaps those are the same). Being an intellectual makes is difficult to feed into authority without evaluating their validity to your life. Being gay made m stomach turn as I sat in Sunday service and listen o he pastor that I ever so admired say .."we pray against those demons... of addiction..of poverty.. of homosexuality".
I am strangely too indoctrinated into that way of thinking that I cannot completely eliminate the ideas from my head that there is a God to be atheist. So I am very passively agnostic, open to a spiritual philosophy that makes sense, works in a way that isn't so exclusive, and isn't reliant upon my fear of punishment after death.