"Ronnell, you are hard headed. You don't like to listen to nobody. So when ever somebody tries to tell you what to do you don't like them. You're lazy & you don't like people who tell you to do stuff..."
So today my younger cousin stopped our conversation to tell me something about myself.
This was a really big eye opener for me. I had already come to terms with the issues I have with authority figures but never before so explicitly. A lot of what she said is true. It was just a shock to hear to from someone else let alone a younger person. I pride myself on being in touch with my ideas and emotions but it's always intriguing when someone close to me can interpret my thought process so accurately.
It may seem pretty funny, I laughed when she mentioned it to me, but it speaks to a truth in my being. I have a hard time working under the "rule" of other people unless they earn my respect first. Not all my family members have done that, but a whole lot of them try to take on that dominating authoritative role. It's all a part of my struggle but it makes me who I am so I work with it.
She knows me just as well as I know myself. Love this girl.
It's madly unfortunate when I find out that I let it go. It wasn't until after I dropped things completely and ventured else where that I realized what I had. Guess you can call it an "I told you so" moment, but of course you'd never do that, you're far too understanding. I didn't want to stop and stay I wanted to go and be with some one else, some one better, someone new. To see how much I could get.
Turns out it doesn't get too much better unless I sacrifice. Get by a little of this in exchange for a little more that. But is it this or that which rally matters the most? Once again I need to get my shit together and priorities my thinking especially in regard to my relationships with people. I need to value what matters matters most in a person and be appreciative of what ever else is there.
Because now I miss you. Now, I want you. At this point I feel mighty foolish & a little too late to make things right. But it's fine because as you were for me I'll still be here for you. Besides, don't i at least owe you that much? After all, you were the best, thus far. At least the best I ever had.
I thought this part was over. After all sixteen years I spent tripping, stumbling, & falling all over the place I finally picked myself up and left that mask behind. Never had I felt so joyous so thrilled so relieved as the day I escaped from the cage of a closet. It was the largest load off my back. I was done hiding. No more effort towards being who the told me to be. No more fake ass gestures. Done with all the wonna be macho BS. Finished being fake to be accepting; now ready to be real to be happy.
Yet, that is not the end. Or at least not for long. No happy endings for those who "break the rules". Although I was so ecstatic to be liberated that same can't be said for everyone else. So what's my natural response to that? Fuck ‘em. Fight it. Stand up for what I believe in. Be me until the day I die because if I don't that I may as well die now. "A life not worth fighting for is a life not worth living." But that is much easier said then done. & much easier done around the people who matter least.
Those individuals I've been around for the shortest amount of time were the best at adjusting to the "new me"/ the actual me. I love them for that & they love me for me. Most of them are my friends. Most of them are my younger relatives. Most of them are not in great positions of power in my life. But then there are the older relatives, there are the my parents, there's religious people there are fucking clans of people on the other side of that fence.
I was raised by or around many of these people. The put that fear in me that self-hatred in me that denial in me that made it so I would be caged for 16 years [if it went according to their plan it'd be much longer]. That didn't change when I "changed". When I stopped pretending that I wasn't gay they continued to not accept homosexuals. They continued and still do to this day promote homophobic ideals. I know this, I see this, & they don't hesitate to remind me.
This is where the mask comes in. This is where I become not so strong. This is when my vulnerability is at it's highest. This is my anxiety. I AM BEAUTIFUL & I know this. Everything about me makes me who i am and I love every bit of myself. I love me & I let go of things that hinder my growth to really allow me to be my best self. Even aesthetically I let go of all those things set up for me to be my best looking self. But this knowledge of my beauty, this self-confidence, this empowerment fades at times where these people cross my path.
It all goes back to that fear of my adolescence. The fear of the little boy who afraid to stand the wrong way or walk to "girly". The boy who was forced to mask his true opinions of all males and exaggerate his superficial attraction to the image of females. IT still sits with me to this day. I feel it as i write this. This shit burns away at my being.
This constant fear and the way I go back to being this scared little boy in those moments contradicts the beauty of who I am & everything that I stand for. This is a constant struggle for me that I hope to overcome with time. But as of now when I feel threatened or when a person reminds me of my upbringing I tend to shut down & mask my beauty.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Be careful how you treat people it may dim their inner light. Ronnell
Forget living with constant fears and self restrictions. False characteristics are not my specialty. I could do without this persona you insist i take on. I definitely don't need your fashion advice. I don't need your bible. Spare me your oh so wise sermons. Leave me out of your stories.
I don't want to be the one you constantly frown on because you disapprove. I refuse to be the one you continually damage with your tyrannical ways. I'd prefer not to play into being that boy you always wanted so that you can have something to brag to your no-life friends about. I am not your puppet. You do not get to decide for me what I do with my life.
I am not going to use the opportunities I have wasting my potential on filling the gaps in the life you wanted for yourself. That is not the life that I want for me. Fuck you for not accepting me, fuck you for not appreciating me, fuck you for trying to minimize my self-expression, fuck you for trying to make me life your life. Fuck your life!
I don't need you. I don't need another ignorant, lost, rude, inconsiderate, self-centered, excuse for a loved one who refuses to look inside before jumping out to others to cast a dark shadow of judgment. I could use an accepting, honest, supportive, respectful anyone who will love me for me. But it seems as if you are stuck in a place where you can never move into being that for me nor can you re-arrange the course of your living enough to help me reach my destination.
So fuck you and your life because I don't need it interrupting mine.
Many times people function based on a dichotomous thought process where everything is good or bad, black or white, old or new, etc. This is understandable because it can make things much simpler. It's a lot easier to measure things according to two extremes as opposed to always considering a realm of possibility. However it is important to note the affects of such a mentality. It can be down right detrimental to the very core of our being as individuals and stifle our growth.
The hazards of this dichotomous way of thinking as applied to the human being can spread to various areas of the day-to-day experience. The one that is most evident is the capacity for fabulous-ness. As people we've been conditioned in our society to think of everyone as male or female and prescribe very specific styles of dress to each gender. I agree that to a certain extent it is necessary to adjust sizing and practical things of that nature according to the differing body types. However, I think the restrictions put onto men and women with regards to the way they're "supposed" to look is quite oppressive.
Not only does it put limits on the range of self expression through the art of self decoration but it also tends to force people to under perform in the style department. Men especially. The rules around being seen as masculine are to rigid that it can lead to a male feeling obligated to slack on their aesthetics. The pressures to be perceived as feminine can ruin a woman. It gets very complex, but that's as far as I wish to take that. If we allows the ourselves to be a human careless of the gender role we can reach our full potential to be out most fabulous selves. That's just one of the many benefits of being human.
I have recently come across someone who I believe to be a fine example of a glamor that transcends gender.
Edwen Vargas
He inspires me! Try unlimiting yourself in order to reach your full potential.
When we speak it is important to use the words that deliver the correct meaning. By correct I mean like as according to the dictionary. The occasional slang is fine until it becomes a form of bigotry. It saddens me that this topic is one that I have to even address but unfortunately moments ago it was just thrown in my face. As of now I'm trying to make a very direct statement in order to not stop loving a certain person because i owe it to myself to try & help their growth as opposed to shut them out & wash my hands with it.
Okay enough with the abstract.. Please don't ever call anything "gay" unless it is actually capable of being homosexual.
The English language is not to be used to promote hatred. Say what you mean.
Remember Bell Hook's Definition of Love <3
"The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love, we begin to move toward freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others."
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives” -- Anthony Robbins
In order for there to be successful dialogue there must first be the common goal of communication. Dictionary dot com says that to communicate means to make known. So, when two or more individuals get together and start a conversation the idea is to deliver messages to one another usually through verbal communication. As simple as this whole idea may seem it can actually be quite the challenge in times where communication is of the essence.
Think about it. Where do these messages we try to share in dialogue come from? They come from are thoughts. And our thoughts don't come alone, then come with an entourage of feelings. Many times a thought and emotion are closely related. Because there is no one without the other it is important to include both in the process of communicating. However, it's is crucial that the distinction between the two is made. In other words it's important to express how we feel and what we're thinking when we're talking to another person but they need their own separate arenas.
Even if all the distinction amounts to is a label that works. It can be as plain as "I'm feeling like this because..." but/because/and/[what ever relationship the idea and the emotion have] "I think ..." or vice versa. Following that model or one similar to it makes it much easier to communicate whatever messages one may be holding and waiting to pass on to the next person. Be sure not to make these statements too overloaded because that can stray away from your main point.
When in doubt water it down. Simplicity is very powerful in times. Speaking directly from what you feel and directly from what you think will always get your message across successfully and clearly as long as the two are separate. If your feelings get too mixed into your thoughts then you will speak irrationally. If your thoughts get too caught up in your feelings then it will taint the authenticity of what you're feeling. So just go, but remember to star conscious of whether you're talking about how you feel or what you think.
Of course, the relationship on which the communication is taking place will alter the priority. For instance, in a friendship or an intimate relationship the emotion awarded much more importance than the thoughts. In less personal situations thoughts tend to be more exploited while feelings take a back seat. All in all the whole situation is a process that takes working at. IT takes internal work with self and external work with other people.
The most self work lies in distinguishing the thoughts and feeling while analyzing the relationship between the two according to your inner being. The work with others comes in the from of expressing those thoughts and feelings in such a way that is clear, sincere and progressive. Giving pure emotion can shut down all communication. Dishing out pure thought neglects the feelings of both parties. So share both but share them in a way that is most affective. Because if we don't then why even try. What talk to one another if it's not going to go anywhere.
Allow yourself to think and to feel before you speak. Then, let it all out. Remember you can't have one without the other. Hey, look at my blog. It is the quintessential extracts of my thoughts and my feelings. Think about it Lovelies! Good communication can make the world a better place.
As long as I live I will never give up on social justice issues. I do not have the luxury to not fight against racism, to not fight against homophobia, to not fight against sexism. The moment I stop going against these evils..the moment I give up hope.. the moment I just "stop thinking so much" and go with the flow will be the day I may as well just drop dead. I love myself way to much to ever do anything like that.
I believe that love is growth. Not only would me giving up on what I know is right hinder my capacity for growth but it would also force me to take steps backwards. Not standing up in the face of injustice is against my character & I am very big on integrity. I refuse to let anyone's hopelessness spillover onto me regardless who they are. idgaf
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." -- Martin Luther King Jr.
Like him ^ I will fight for what's right until the day that it changes.
The capacity for difference in the world is mind-blowing. It's a beautiful thing. Within every group of sameness there is there's a wide range of variety. This concept in itself gives me hope for my love, for my life, and for my future. Under one god is various religions and interpretations of virtue. Hanging from one family tree are numerous branches of personality. Throughout a single gay community exists a countless number of different characters and adventures to be had. Inside the one person that I am lies a full range of emotions and ideas that have the freedom to adjust to my current circumstances. & the list goes on.. My reflection of these options warms my heart. The endless number of possibilities in this world makes me so optimistic.
The whole concept of Beyonce transforming to Sasha Fierce once she hits the stage is a lot less foreign to me now. I’m starting to realize how I too have a similar experience when put in a position where I'm expected to perform. It seems like whenever I'm on stage or just in front of an audience an outside force takes over and I just go. It's a bit of out-of-body experience for me, really.
Every nerve I may have felt before hand or any stress I may have been holding on to morph into energy for in that moment when I'm on the spot & my inner artist takes over. Regardless if I’m dancing, giving a speech, doing a photo shoot, or singing karaoke I get out there & let them have it!
"There's only two types of people in the world The ones that entertain and the ones that observe Well baby I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl..." -- Britney Spears
My mom says I'm an actor. She calls it acting, what happens once I'm on a stage. But I like to think of it as just me serving it up. There’s a crazy talented being that’s been “closeted” performer within me for so long that every time the opportunity presents itself all that confined stage presence is released. It's not so much the craving for the attention as it is the adrenaline that comes in putting on a show. Trust me, I choose to live my life drug free but, that rush gives me a high I can't live without.
To me fierce is a wild combination of aesthetic beauty, attitude, talent and swagger. It can often be found in the eyes of a model or the movement of a well trained dancer.
How am I to address you? What would really be the best way for me to deal with the complications of your mentality that manifest themselves in my existence as discrimination? You disturb me! Your narrow-minded ways limit a world of possibilities for everyone else including yourself but you can't even see that. I'm afraid you're to busy making sure everything works according to what you consider to be normal to stop & reevaluate your own thinking before you pass judgment on the world. The whole thing is just purely disgusting, like honestly. It actually frightens me to think about.
The scariest part is that you are everywhere. Even in me! There are instances where everyone falls into narrow-minded thinking. It often goes unnoticed because it happens so often that it's normal to all of us. That really scares the shit out of me. I am so scares that I'm paranoid. I'm so paranoid that I have to constantly check myself on my thoughts & where the base of my judgment comes from. I have to check the people around me to keep them from functioning on a narrow mind wave. I have to be open to allowing those same people the check my when necessary. That's part of why I love myself so much.
"The moment we choose to love, we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love, we begin to move toward freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others." -- Bell Hooks
I make a conscious choice to leave myself open to new alternatives to life's obstacles. I'm always waiting with an open ear to hear what the next person has to say because they just might know something that I don't or they may have an idea that I haven't thought of & that's okay. We don't all have to be the same. I embrace diversity because without it things become repetitive & bland. Although I hold this to be my truth right now it took me a while to get it. Not all people end up "getting it" as some point in their growing process.
In fact, there are many people who have truly become bigots by nature. [It hurts me to think of how many of my relatives fall under this category] Those individuals are not very likely to be moved out of their way of thinking. It is there people who have a hard time really choosing to love themselves or anyone else for who they are. This whole cycle really shakes me to my core. It shows me the the importance of fighting for what's right, for what's equal, for all the love in the world. If not to go about person to person literally changing people's minds at least to be one less. One less racist, one less sexist, one less class-est, one less anti-Semite ect. If I can find people in my time to working along this same justice oriented model of thinking then I have a movement. The more people the stronger the force. The stronger the force the faster we move the world towards universal love.
I seriously believe the cure for close-mindedness is Love [as defined by Bell Hooks]
I spent several years working under this system. This system of oppression, this system of forced choices, this system of strict gender roles with little to no wiggle room for personalization. I couldn’t do anything about it because if I fought back against it I couldn’t be a man anymore. That went on continuously for over sixteen years of my life. It was not until a bit earlier on this year that I gave up on putting so much effort to blending with the crowd. It wasn’t until now that I started to all myself to define, for me, what it means to be a full human. I gave up on it all. I gave up the image, the language, the behavior, the women and the falseness of my being. I acme out of the closet and it felt like such a load off. I could finally breathe and not worry about how my body was positioned when I exhaled. Now, I could put on what I really want to wear because I want to not because I’m “supposed to“. I let if go I gave it up I released myself from my gender role to embrace my sexual orientation. Now I am free to be me and outside approval is irrelevant.
Life's much less complex; since that's over. I'm not the best actor so I'm glad I was able to drop that role. haha
"Apothegms are portable wisdom, the quintessential extracts of thought and feelings." -- William R. Alger
Many times I find myself getting lost in the transferring the way I'm feeling and what I'm thinking to action. Although I pride myself on being aware of my own thoughts and feelings I tend to get so caught up in them that reality is almost foreign to me. Even in writing this very first entry I'm having trouble phrasing each statement in such a way that it reflects exactly the concept I want to portray. Fortunately I can play around long enough in my head with the words to get it right. However, there are many other situations where it is not that simple.
I can't through people around in my head until I figure them out. I struggle with "refreshing" my feelings towards people because of that. In other words, I have a bad habit of holding grudges. I hold on to a lot of things and they weigh down on my judgment & my character. In an attempt to Release some of these issues I talk them over with close friends, ask people for advice, or I'll vent to the person I'm having issue with but that doesn't always work out the way I want it to. Those conversations can get tedious. & this is where my blog comes in!
As a man, a person, an artist I am all about self-expression. Expression through creativity & talent is a beautiful thing. So, here I am to learn to live and let go to priorities my thoughts and feelings to sort through my web of ideas to verbalize my struggle and feel more comfortable in my own reality. Wish me luck.
my name is Ronnell but i have aquired a number of nicknames including nell, ronnie, nezzie, ronezzie, mr.evans and cornelious. either one is fine as long as i know you're talking to me. i tend to be a pretty open person because to me closemindedness is a disease that i refuse to let dictate my life. i go to clevaland highschool where i will be graduating from in 2010 and after which i hope to work towards furthering my education in fashion and dance. why yes, i consider myself an artist. i am very passionate about all things visual. music dancing fashion modeling and good people are among others are all my favorite things. these days im learning to value those who are close to me much more than ever and so when ever i meet someone who's genuinely worthwhile i put effort into maintaining the bond, in other words, im a people person! i especially love people who i have things in common with. i currently find myself havinga hard time addressing the contradiction between the industries i plan to one day become a part of & the values i hold rooted deeply in social justice. once i get this all figured out im taking off head first into life.
